The traditional image of Christmas is incredibly optimistic. Nearly every portrayal shows a cosy, cheerful, tastefully decorated home, surrounded by pristine snow, in which a happy family gathers to share a large dinner cooked to picture-postcard perfection. Sadly, this is more likely in movies as life is just too complex and messy to ever guarantee the mainstream portrayal of a perfect Christmas or holiday season.
Christmas is on one hand a magical time. Yet, for many, it can also be a challenging season, where family dynamics and mental health can take centre stage. We can experience feelings of isolation, financial pressures or increased family conflict that can make this a very stressful and lonely time of year.
Even though we often know that Christmas is not perfect, just like any other time in life, we still expect it. Year in, year out, we put ourselves under a great deal of pressure for perfection. As humans we do have a tendency to expect the best and we repeatedly underestimate how much time and effort tasks will take. All increasing the risk of a stressful Christmas.
All the pleasant aspects of Christmas don’t just happen or pop out of nowhere. There is a great effort for someone to put it all together. Traditionally it’s mum, or the family matriarch, but whoever ends up bearing the brunt of it is bound to be at risk of greater stress.
There are many other extra duties like decorating the house, big food shops, visitors, making and baking and gift buying. Many of which are pretty pricey at a time when money is increasingly tight. All of this would undeniably combine to create a situation where stress is far more common, not less.
Alison’s Tip: to really think about why you are doing some things. Do a mini assessment as to whether you are insisting on certain things to impress someone else or because ‘The Jones’s’ have them. Try creating a Christmas just as you want it to be.
Cooped up
Spending more time with extended family over the next few weeks can put us into drama. For some they may be dreading the prospect of being cooped up with people they struggle to get on with.
Even if there’s no obvious source of disagreement or even conflict, a prolonged period in close quarters with a lot of your family can still be stressful. There’s the relative lack of privacy that comes from having your house full of people, a known cause of stress.
Alison’s Tip: is to not be afraid to take some time out for yourself. We feel rude or guilty. When you claim a bit of space, your patience will come back. Remember, it’s okay to take a step back and care for yourself.
Lack of structure
Having time off work, giving and receiving gifts, eating and drinking as much as you like, spending time with family and friend can be things we crave all year. The reality can be quite different. It is common to hear people desperate to get back to ‘normal’. Sometimes the lack of structure can cause us to feel unsettled. We almost stop everything that is routine and throw ourselves into the Christmas spirit which can last a few days. If a lack of structure is causing concern, think about a balance and as ever things that are right.
Alison’s Tip: is to balance relaxing with some routine. If you are a runner, make time to get out. Having a dog is a great way to stick to a routine which dog lovers will know can keep you sane.
Loneliness
With all the movies and adverts showing families all together, Christmas spent alone can be difficult. In some instances, families live apart, there has been a loss or children grow up and fly the coop and doing their own Christmas. It is really important to recognise and address these feelings rather than struggle alone. Sometimes the focus is on being ok in your own company and finding things that you enjoy. The ‘compariton-itis’ can play out here and we feel low because we see others together.
Alison’s tip: is to reach out to loved ones or someone you trust. Loneliness can cause us to think that everyone else is too busy for us and this is rarely true. Make a plan to do something a bit different and see what happens. The opposite to this is to think of things that you enjoy doing and dare yourself to do them alone. It is actually empowering and refreshing. If we can, look out for those who find the festive period the hardest time of year.
Family and relationships
There are so many different situations within families and relationships that can cause stress, sadness and anxiety over the Christmas period. When there has been a breakup or a loss during the year, Christmas can feel worse. On the other hand, statistically relationships, particularly challenging and volatile ones can come to a head. Some may have experienced trauma during the festive period and constant unpleasant memories are flooding back. Families who are juggling children between different parents and households can feel stressful. A blended family doesn’t always mean that everyone is going to get along and there can be a lot of guilt and resentment.
Alison’s Tip: this will depend on how you feel about your family dynamics and what is creating the pressure. It is important to stick to boundaries and not feel like everyone else is taking over.
We need to watch out for how much pressure we create at Christmas. It doesn’t have to be perfect. We shouldn’t have to spend all our money and try to force ourselves to feel Christmassy. We need to be more honest about how difficult Christmas can actually be and take care of ourselves over this period.
Alison Blackler, mind coach, author and speaker – 30 years experience working in mental health and runs a business called 2minds.
DISCLAIMER: This article is meant for guidance to share a few life tools to help you cope at Christmas. Mental Health is a complex subject and if you are need of support please reach out and talk.
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